ArmandBernave's Blog

Darkness

armandbernave — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 07:40:05 +0000

I have been absent to this blog for some time now. It feels awkward writing once more. During my absence, I have had time to reflect upon myself. Someone once told me that happiness is within you. All you have to do is look inside and find it.

Following this advice, I took a glimpse inside. Happiness was no where to be found. Instead, a darkness has taken it’s place. It feels no happiness, no joy. It does not have a conscious, nor compassion. It grows greater and heavier. I have been told the only way to deal with it, is to let loose. Let it go and share it with someone…I have seen and experienced what it wants.

How can one hold such a monster inside? There are doubts in the back of my mind. I don’t know if I will be able to control this urge to feed its addiction. We will see where this path will lead me. I just hope that I don’t follow the road to far that I can’t turn back.

Depression…

armandbernave — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 09:42:41 +0000

Depression…it manifests itself like a toxin in the blood. It eats you slowly and painfully. Nights come and go in a blur of loneliness and emptiness. This emptiness inside pains me. Nothing seems to fill this hole. It is quite sad to reflect on this life. This life which seems so useless. Tonight I cried for the first time in years. I have no one, so I turn to this blog. This post, it seems to be my closest friend. Why must we suffer so? I use this mask in hopes of reaching out to a world that seems out of reach. Why, you may ask… Truth be told, I myself would like an answer to that question. Upon reflection, we live alone, we suffer alone, we die alone. These words seem so dark and cold. But if they are true, why do we bother to find happiness? Why is it that people strive to live a dream? I have known happiness once, only to find out how shortly lived it truly is. Memories of that moment still live within me…but that is all they are. Sometimes there are nights when I wish this would end. I despise this morbid feeling…this emptiness inside. I hate it so much that I sometimes wish to cut it out from my chest. Society tells us this is not the answer. People around us tell us it will all get better. But what if it doesn’t? What then? Do we keep living as empty shells faking every emotion, faking every laugh and smile. Do we pretend to be happy for everyone else to see? What about our true feelings? Do they not matter anymore?

Cheers Darlin’…I can’t believe you’ve gone from me…

armandbernave — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 10:07:02 +0000

This isn’t all my fault, but I didn’t realize I was chasing a ghost. You were never really there, a figment of my imagination. All is fallen when you take your flight. And part of me died, and won’t return. Part of me wants to hide, the part of me that’s been burned. And part of me has tried, but look what it has become. And as an old balloon, I hold my breath, until I explode and let go of you. Once again, I have fallen victim to a fallacy. What a chance we had, and every shot you missed of me. Now every morning when you’re turning, I’ll be out of reach. With no real hope of reaching me. You will stay alive in my memory, until the very death of me. I tried to write you a pleasant song, but you’ve been gone for so long. So tell me what you have to say, and say it to me now. I won’t think less of you, or don’t you care at all? This one mystery that leads to doubt, is it a mystery at all? And I don’t understand, why you had to kiss me. Either way, there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt. There’s still a little bit of your voice left in my ear. So now I find myself in search of a destination where I can find myself. I should be stronger than drinking alone. But everything seems to lead to an empty bottle left at a bar. And as that bottle I’m left lonely and without a purpose. I am all dressed up for you, guess I’m all dressed up for him too. I find myself dressed up for a war, pissing all of my bullets away before I even step out of the door. I’m trying to let it all go, but how can I when you just don’t know. I could wait for you like a hole waiting to be fixed in your boot. But cheers darlin’! Here’s to you and your lover boy. I’ve got years to wait around for you…….

Fighting for…

armandbernave — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 19:58:14 +0000

…what really matter. She wants to leave and I don’t know what to do. I can’t let her go, not for me, but for her best. I love her very much and want her to be happy and well off. If that means I have to disappear for good from her life, so be it. As long as she’s not with him, the one who treats her like crap. She deserves better, she deserves her prince. I will fight for her as hard and as long as it takes. I can’t let her go. I have years to wait around for her, but I won’t sit by and watch her throw away her life for some brief infatuation with that fucking asshole. The clocks are ticking, so we must act before time runs out. I’m off to fight an uphill battle, a war for her future. My arms are loaded, and God help me. We can’t lose her. If she leaves, we, including her family, will never see her again. I cannot bear that thought. So I will fight for her, even if it costs me my life.

What A Gal…

armandbernave — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 05:59:29 +0000

Had a little gathering for the friends on the first. Would have been New Year’s Eve, but I figured most would spend it with family. The start was a bit slow. Close friends and cousins arrived and we began with a few beers. Music began playing and the dancing commenced. Sitting at the far side of the room, I noticed a beautiful lady sitting by my friend. I approached her and asked her to dance. My, what a dance. Throughout the night I took in as much of her dazzling smile and captivating hazel eyes as I could. To summarize a night of dancing and consumption, we ended up in each other’s arms, sharing a kiss. Her lips, so intoxicating, I cannot wait to kiss them again. When a woman holds you the way she did, nothing exists. I’m a sucker for the ladies, especially the one with hazel eyes. What a night… What a gal…

New Year

armandbernave — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 12:10:36 +0000

Ah, a new year has begun. What to do? I have come into the possession of certain knowledge that might help this year go by smoothly. The simple pleasures of life seem so grand. I don’t know what the year has in store for me, or for people in general. All I can hope is that it is not worse than the previous one. Life, love, friends, adventures. Time to focus on what matters most. Most of us have our “New Year’s Resolution.” I have chosen mine with utmost discretion and consideration. All that’s left is to wait and see. How simple it all seems. Happy new year to all who read this, and may this year bring all the pleasures in the world.

Cheers

I Knew It Was You Before I Met You

armandbernave — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:40:52 +0000

Funny how life is. People come and go like seasons, and most without leaving the least bit of interest in my mind. Years I’ve dreamt about a person who would captivate my interest, both with her beauty and creativity. I never imagined life could grant such a wish. I met you and I knew you were the one I am looking for. Though our meeting was brief, it will stay with me forever. I hope you remember that day, the 10th of november. I hope you remember my face, for I can’t take my mind off of yours. Your green eyes are forever burned in mine. Your sweet voice has taken my ears. And your smile brings forth one of my own. One day we will meet again, of this I am sure. For it would be a crime against the heavens to keep us apart. I knew it was you before I met you, I just didn’t know your name. Now it’s a name that fills my life with joy…Lisa.

What if?

armandbernave — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 07:17:18 +0000

What if in all reality, we are never meant to love? We live and die, nothing more. There are precious things we find in this world, but things none the less. No one knows when enough is enough. No one knows how to take their eyes off a beautiful face. Beauty lies, appearances deceive. The only thing worse in this world, other than hurting yourself, is hurting yourself for another person. What if the perfect someone doesn’t exist? What if you are meant to live your life lonely and sad? No one can tell you what you want. No one can tell you how to get what you want. No one ever told me you could have what you want. Now I know why…You can’t always get what you want. There is no place in this world for a fairytale love. Sometimes I see the world for what it should be…a place full of love and peace. A place where everything is abundant. Those moments grow fewer and fewer as the days pass by. Now I only see a place of horror, loneliness, silence, destruction…hate. There once was a day when I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Though I still don’t know you, it pains me to even look. What if our world has no room for love of any kind? What if we lie to ourselves to make the world a little less painful? Lies really are the currency of the world. What if this pain never goes away? What then?

Untitled

armandbernave — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 01:09:29 +0000

I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much to know what can be. I don’t think that what I am doing is right but it’s what you want. I am no one to deny you that. I will always stand here for you, as a friend, as a guide, as the only fool to ever let you go for the right reasons. You know that I love you as you are. But I can’t live on like this. I don’t think my heart can bear another loss. I’ll always remember what you mean to me. I never thought that I could ever feel this way again. I never planned to have feelings for you. I’m sorry…

Thinking of Someone I Might Never Have

armandbernave — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:11:00 +0000

I think it’s time I faced the truth. I sit here and think of you, and realize that you might not be thinking of me. I don’t know what you think of me, or if you think of me at all. I just know that I can’t get you out of my mind. I wake every morning and the first thought on my mind is you, and just before I close my eyes to sleep I hear your voice. It’s torture to think I might never have the chance to call you my own. But a beauty so rare is not meant to be unadored for very long. I pray that a day will come when I can kiss your lips and hold your hand. When I can look into your eyes with love and see them looking back. I pray that I can look at the stars with you by my side and dream of a world where we are surrounded by delight. I realize that I love you, not for what you are, for there are no words that can describe, but for what I am when I am with you. And so I can neither accept nor reject the idea of never having you, as long as I never lose you. I wish I could be your tear drops, for what more could anyone ask for than to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.